Nina Lewis

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

My youngest born told me he did not find the ’socumentary’ that I recently posted to be funny.  I did.  There must be something wrong with his sense of humor.

I find the following movie funny.  I fear the afore mentioned son probably won’t.  If he doesn’t, he ought to give his funny bone a tune up. (Source: http://www.theonion.com_

One of my student employees shared these definitions with me.  I thought some of them were pretty funny!  Like handkerchief and wrinkles.  I identify with them . . . .

adult:  a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle

beauty parlor: a place where women curl up and dye

committee:  a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

dust: mud with the juice squeezed out

egotist:  someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

handkerchief: cold storage

inflation: cutting money in half without damaging the paper

mosquito: an insect that makes you like flies better

raisin: a grape with a sunburn

secret: something you tell to one person at a time

toothache:  the pain that drives you to extraction

tomorrow: one of the greatest labor saving devices of today

yawn: an honest opinion openly expressed (especially at a committee meeting!)

wrinkles: something other people have, similar to my character lines

I do not like genealogy.  Never have.  Probably never will.

I can be standing in line at the grocery store or at the airport and a complete stranger will end up telling me his genealogy.  All the way back 8 generations.

It’s gotten to be a family joke. 

But, I don’t find it funny.  I must have a sign on my back that says “Tell me your genealogy.”  Maybe it’s God’s way of punishing me for not liking genealogy.

It’s the searching-for-dates-frustration that I don’t like.  Do I care when great-great-great grandma Annie Katrina was born? Nope.  Married?  Nope.  When she died?  Not really.  Heartless little cuss, aren’t I?

On the other hand, I must say that I have helped family members write their personal history.  Like my Dad.  My father-in-law.  My step-mother.  My step-mother’s father.  That ought to give me some grace in God’s eyes don’t you think?

However, my crusty anti-genealogy heart got a kick out of this movie!

Doctors, health nutritionists, and moms everywhere encourage us to eat our vegetables. The more color on your plate, the better. Diversity in colorful foods provide your body with a wide variety of essential vitamins and minerals that will fight cancer, lower cholesterol and blood pressure, fight harmful radicals, and build healthy bones.

Recently, the U.S Food and Drug Administration formed the Confectionery and Non-Nutritional Delicacy Yearnings research group (known as C.A.N.D.Y) to investigate the nutritional value in connection to color.

Want increased health? Want color on your dinner plate? Then follow these C.A.N.D.Y. suggestions.

Red
The best items in the red category are cinnamon bears and red-hot tamales. The hotter the better. Burn, baby, burn! Swedish fish may also fill your red requirement but are not as beneficial because they do not have any incendiary capabilities.

Yellow and Orange
Examples of appropriate yellow foods include banana Runts, lemon drops, and Easter baby marshmallow chicks. (However, Easter baby marshmallow chicks taste pukey so you really don’t need to worry about including them in your diet.)

Orange food items include peach rings, pumpkin shaped marshmallow crèmes and orange jellybeans. (When taken in conjunction with black jellybeans at Halloween time, the potency of orange jellybeans is doubled. It’s good that Halloween is just around the corner . . .)

You can kill two birds with one stone by eating candy corn. You’ll get both your yellow and orange minimum daily requirements in one mouthful. It’s best to eat as much of these candies as possible during October since candy corn is out of season the rest of the year. Your body can easily store the nutritional benefits from candy corn throughout the off-season.

Blue and Purple
While it is rather difficult to find items in this color category, gummy sharks can fill this color requirement. Don’t despair if you do not include this color into your diet. Most people don’t like a blue tongue and blue lips that come from eating too much of this color.

Eating gummy bears, gummy worms, and Jelly Bellies are all-around general-purpose foods. You can fill your requirements for many of the food colors just by eating these nutritional delights. However, because there is such a wide assortment of colors, the color density is limited. You’ll need to ingest at least two pounds of these food items at mealtime to fill your daily color requirements.

We’d like to thank C.A.N.D.Y. for their current research findings. This is your tax dollars hard at work.