Dear Mr. Air Conditioning Maintenance Man,
May I point out one or two things to you? Thank you.
First. Do you see the employees that have layers upon layers of hoodies and sweaters? Regardless of whatever perception you may have of current styles, this is NOT a new fashion off the runways in Paris. It is an attempt to maintain a minimal basal temperature regardless of how hopeless that dream might be.
Second. Do you see the employees wrapped up in fuzzy fleece blankets? Our boss is not pleased about this. It is not professional. Not in the least. He only allows it because it staves off illness and death. Allowing employees to wrap up in their blankies is more cost effective than paying hospital or funeral bills.
Third. Can you see the brown pieces of cardboard that is jammed into the ceiling by all of the air conditioning vents? You, with your vast interior decorating knowledge, might believe it an attempt at avante-garde design. It is not. It is to deflect the Arctic air gushing out of the vents.
Fourth. Do you know why the water bill is so high? (Silly me! Of course you don’t! Your responsibility is only in making sure the air conditioning is working.) If you would periodically check the restrooms throughout the day, you would see staff members stumbling into the bathrooms like frozen zombies to put their frozen hands under the warm water in an effort to thaw their fingers. So far, only 14 employees have had finger amputations.
I plead with you. I beg you. I beseech you in the name of decency and kindness to mankind (and employees in the building that you are over). Read my lips: TURN DOWN THE AIR CONDITIONER!
Wait. You can’t read my lips, can you? Of course not. My ice cube lips are not limber enough to perform linguistic or verbal acrobats. (You know, I’m getting rather fond of the translucent blue/white post-frostbite look on my lips, nose, and cheeks.)
Here are the benefits of turning down the air conditioner:
- Less electricity would be used to maintain that balmy weather found only at the South Pole. You would save our office lots of money.
- Less money would be spent on hospitalization, amputations, and/or funerals.
- You would save the lives of many staff members.
- Less hot water would be used. Again, money would be saved.
- You would become the office hero and would have a national holiday named after you.
If you would consider my request for turning down the air conditioner, I would be in your debt forever.
Sincerely,
Ms. Counts-the-minutes-till-closing-time-so-she-can-go-home-and-thaw
P.S. If my son-in-law had your job, he would do a much, much better job at climate control.